12 years later..

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day? - Alan Jackson

That one lyric probably runs through your head atleast once on this day. September 11th.

I will never forget where I was. Bayonet Point Middle School, I had just left my first period class, got to my second period which was math & I saw my first period teacher come in and whisper to our teacher to turn on the news. He turned on the TV & I just remember the classroom was silent, you could hear a pin drop. We all sat and watch the first tower engulfed in smoke and news crews explaining what was going on. Was it a mistake? Was a plane hijacked? No one knew at first. We got dismissed early that day, so we went home and watched it on TV.

I'm a New Yorker at heart, born and raised in Staten Island. I miss living there and miss being only a bridge away from the city. If we could afford to live there or near there it would be an option for sure.  Growing up my sister and I were in commercials and extras in movies, so we were always in the city or in one of the boroughs. (No one ever believes us but we have proof lol). So I knew what the twin towers were, not many who aren't from New York did know what they were. One of my moms jobs when she was starting out was at a bank in the World Trade Center, but because it was somewhere near the 90th floor and she didn't like heights, she decided to quit (thank god). 

One of my moms good friends from the post office on Staten Island actually lost her son on that day. He worked in one of the WTC and believe it was on a level where one of the planes hit so he was trapped. His wife was pregnant with her third child at the time and due around that time, when my mom told me that story I got goosebumps and still do. I can't imagine losing a loved one to something so heinous. One of my dads friend Greg worked in the WTC also, but was late to work that day.. Talk about being lucky. And then one of my grandparents neighbors who we pretty much grew up with, his father worked a few blocks over from the WTC, he sent me a picture of the tower engulfed in the smoke.. To this day I can't find that picture. 

My thoughts & prayers go out to all the families who lost someone on that day. One day we'll be able to visit ground zero & view the beautiful fountain that was built in memory of all the firefighters, police officers, workers, pilots, flight attendants, & people aboard the plane who lost their lives. Not only should we remember the WTC, but we also need to remember all the people who lost lives at the pentagon & the flight that was taken over in PA. We also need to remember all the lives lost in this war since the attacks happened. Take a minute to thank our soldiers for what they do and take a minute today to have a moment of silence, maybe light a candle for dinner and say a pray. All the families today need our country's love & support.

Thank you to my husband, his friends, & other soldiers who risk their lives everyday.

It'll all get Better in Time.

This will be my first emotional & very personal post. Please bare with me.

(Rewind back to 7/2012) I haven't saw my family in a good 3-4 years, due to the Army. Not only is my husband in the military, my brother in law was also enlisted. He ended up getting stationed in Alaska, so that is why I hadn't seen them in so long & my parents decided to move there as well. When I found out my brother in law was getting out & my family was moving to Erie, Pa I was estatic! Erie is only 4.5 hours from Fort Drum (where we are now). My parents moved back in July first and got everything settled for my sister and her husband & kids to move their way over. Since, my husband had to go to California for NTC (training before deployment) in August for a month, I figured I would go there with my boys & stay for the month.

On August 15th, (my birthday & day before we were leaving for Pa) my mom called me to tell me some news. My dad had gone to the ER to get a bump on his head checked out because it seemed like a bug bite in Alaska, but only got bigger. That's when I heard her say "Steph, dad has cancer". My heart dropped into my stomach. That's all we knew, we didn't know if it was a benign or malignant tumor at the time. I was baffled... My dad was very healthy, never had health problems (except getting part of his colon removed in Alaska) other then that he was fine.

A few weeks after getting to Pa & finally seeing my family and catching up, my dad went for his head surgery to remove the tumor. I give him props because that's hard to decide, getting your skull cut opened isn't easy, but he was the type of guy that would overcome anything.

Few days later, he got the results back from the surgery. The tumor was malignant.
malignant tumor

a tumor that is malignant and tends to spread to other parts of the body

He was in denial, actually we ALL were in denial about it. He didn't want to hear or believe it. The tumor had already spread to parts of his kidney & lungs, the doctor gave him 6 months - 12 months to live. If he decided on taking the chemotherapy then it was lengthen his life by just a few months, he didn't want the chemo. He saw how bad my grandfather got from it to where your almost bed ridden most of the time from being sick. He did however decide to do some radiation for parts of the tumor they couldn't get out. Didn't work. September came around, Henry came home, so the boys & I went home. Saying bye to my dad was so hard, next time I would see him would be Christmas time. 

When we went there for the holidays, I knew it would be my last holidays with my father. By this time you could tell he was sick, his face & body got skinnier. I was already 6 months pregnant & was preparing for Henry to deploy that January. What a way to end the year right? I gave my dad his gift and ill never forget his face. It was a Yankees picture (he loves the Yankees & NY Giants), he loved it, and hung it up right away. This would be our last picture with our dad.

& this was our last picture with him. 

It was now January & at the end of the month was gone.. Back to Afghanistan for a second time he went. I just felt so alone with everything going on. My in laws drove up in February to help out (I was due in March). My dad always kept texting me saying "I hope I'm around to see the baby". He wanted to see that baby so badly & he held on. I had the baby on March 23, 2013 & this would be the last text message I would ever receive from my dad.

He had no idea what I was planning.. My sister and nephew traveled by Amtrak up here to drive with me and the boys back to Pa. 7 days after giving birth I was on my way to see my dad and stay with him until it was his time to go. (That's right, one week after giving birth, stitches and all I still went) When we arrived that night on April 1st he was shocked, he said "Steph what are you doing?" I was holding the baby trying to hold back tears & I said "dad, see the baby". He was out of it, he had gotten worse since the last time I saw him. He put out his arms to hold the baby & my mom said no because he was too weak & shakey, he got mad & I felt horrible. He would never be able to hold his last grandson & I regretfully never got a picture with him and the baby. 

Exactly 2 weeks of me being there on April 15, I got up to feed the baby and get ready to bring my nephew to school. My sister went downstairs to check on our dad like she did every morning & all of a sudden I heard her yell "Steph, dads not breathing"... My heart sank & I became blank. I handed her the baby told her to calm down, I went down there to check it out, went around his bed, felt his boney chest and felt his cold hands.. He was gone. My dad lost his battle to lung cancer. He was such a fighter. He held on to the very end. I give my mom and my sister a lot of kudos for what they did for him. Although I helped also, they were more hands on with him, I don't know maybe because I'm younger. 

I ran upstairs to wake my mom up & told her what happened, I put the baby in his bassinet and we all went downstairs. My mom called the hospice nurse and told her the news. I just remember all of us crying, saying he's in a better place with no more pain. It felt so unreal. I just sat there staring, couldn't believe what I was seeing. Hospice came, checked him out, gave my mom his time of death, filled out paperwork, & that's when the funeral home came. My mom was worried about me seeing all of this so she asked if I wanted to be there to watch and I said yes.. I was there for him the last two weeks, I will be there for him now I thought. They took his body away & he was on his way to the funeral home to be cremated.  

The night before the social worker for hospice had sent out a Red Cross message for Henry to come home. Thankfully he was already on his way but he never got to say bye to my dad. The next day my mom, sister, and I went to the funeral home to say our last goodbyes. We watched as the funeral director pushed him into the crematory. Something I will never forget. I don't wish any of this on my worst enemy. 

These last six months have been nothing but a struggle. Being pregnant, my husband deploying, having a baby without my husband, & losing my dad. Everyday my baby is a reminder of my dad. He will never get to meet my dad and my dad will never be able to see him grow up. On the 15th, my dad will be gone 5 months & it hasn't gotten easier, they say time heals all wounds, but a lot of time is going to have to pass for me to be able to get over it and move on. Right now it just doesn't seem possible. Something I found so weird was, my birthday is 8/15 and my dad passed away 8 months to the day he found out he had cancer on the 15th.. Coincidence? Landen's middle name is Derick.. My dads name is Frederick and my mom had asked my dad if he liked Eric or Derick better for the baby and he picked Derick. And I'm happy I decided to go with Derick. Everyday I look at Landen &I just see my dad. I know my dad is watching over him and his brothers and he would be proud. 

How did you cope with a love ones death?

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Busy, is not the Word.

Sorry guys! It's been a little over a week since my last post, why is that? I've added some new things onto my motherly duties: packing school lunches, making sure my son has everything for school, & dropping & picking him up from the bus stop. I'm sure there's more, but these last few weeks I'm beyond exhausted!

My days start at 6:45 am, that may not seem early to you, but it is for me. Before my son started school we (the boys & I) would sleep in to atleast 8:30 am. Cameron has to be at his bus stop by 7:49 am. That gives me enough time to wake up all three boys, dress them, change the baby's diaper, feed them breakfast, brush their teeth, get Cameron's backpack ready, get all shoes on, & leave. Call me SuperMom.

During the day, I constantly wonder what Cameron is doing. Everyone has told me it'll get old & you'll get over him being in school but I probably won't. After that, I clean the whole house & try to get atleast a load or two of laundry done.. I HATE laundry. It's not so much washing it, it's lugging it all the way upstairs, folding it all, & putting it all away.. Just for the boys (including my husband) to wreck their draws. I'm sure other mothers & even wives without kids can't relate to that! Lol.

I make Ethan lunch plus his snacks & Landen is constantly eating also, so while trying to get them fed by 12/1 PM, I'm already worried about what we are going to have for dinner. Half the time I don't even feel like cooking. But, as a wife & mother that's one of my many jobs. After that, Landen goes down for his nap & I let Ethan go into his room and let him play some 'Minecraft' (he loves that game & for being 3 years old, he's pretty good), then I finally get to relax on my nice comfy bed, wishing I could nap. One of these days I will bribe Ethan into taking a nap with me, lol.

Finally, 4:00 PM rolls around & I'm waiting on Henry to get home, I get Landen changed and by 4:35 PM, we are on our way to Cameron's bus stop to pick him up. We get back home around 4:55 PM (sometimes the bus driver is early), and it's time to make dinner. We eat, give the boys a bath, brush their teeth, lay Ethan & Landen down for bed, & I finally get to relax with Cameron. We talk about his day & what he did. We watch some tv & he'll play on the iPad for a bit, then it's my favorite time BEDTIME!!

I'm sure I rambled on in this post but that's okay. I'm a mother and my days are constantly scrambled. Again, I'm sure you can relate! What are your days like lately? Whether if your a SAHM or a working mom.. How do you juggle all your tasks?!

Been Away & the First of Many.

Sorry for being away the past week, I've just been busy preparing my son for school & preparing for myself. Cameron had his Kindergarten open house on the 29th & he was soooo excited. He got to meet his teacher, meet a few classmates, & explore his classroom that hell be in the next 8-9 months.

The teacher had him sit at the table and color "his person". After he was done coloring the teacher would take it & hang it up in th hallway. He got to see where his cubby was and he put his rest blanket & art shirt in it. He got to see the board when their names are magnetized. When he goes into his class he will take his name and either put it on the picture that says "Mommy Made Me Lunch" or in the other options for school lunch.

He was told that all the children's name start out "white" & if his name turns orange he has to go into time out for 5 minutes, another color was 10 minutes off recess, and purple was being sent to the principles office. (I hope and pray he never reaches purple, lol) He is a little hyper & doesn't like to sit still so I just hope his teacher is patient.

When I was in kindergarten mind you I went to a Catholic School (which I actually loved) & we only had half days. You either had the morning session or afternoon session. Now in New York kindergarteners go to school all day, so I was shocked to see what he would be learning.

Social Goals
- sit and listen quietly for a reasonable period of time.
- speak in complete sentences.
- follow directions in several steps.
- be able to take care of personal needs independently.
- be respectful to others

Reading and Writing Goals
- recognize and write all letters of the alphabet.
- print first and last name.
- build a sight vocabulary.
- read grade level texts independently.
- write simple personal stories using standard conventions of English.
- demonstrate comprehension of ideas and events from fiction and non-fiction texts.

Math Goals
- classify and count numbers to 20.
- identify and describe shapes.
- comparisons with length, weight, and numbers to 10.
- number pairs, addition and subtraction to 10.
- counting to 100 by 1's and 10's.
- analyze, compare, create, and compose shapes.

It all seems so overwhelming, but I'm sure Cameron will do good. He has about 80% of this down, he just lacks on his writing skills & reading. According to other mothers, his teacher has the best reviews so that makes me excited.

Tomorrow is the first day of school, the first day of him not being home with me all day, first time riding the school bus, & the first time of me literally being worried every hour of the day. I know he's in good hands & I know he'll be fine.

Tomorrow is a first of many! How did you prepare for the first day of school?!